“We’re looking into it,” said eHarmony executive Cynthia Tanner. “Sources close to the couple say Stacy and Aaron may have had knowledge of our patented Compatibility Matching System™ prior to engagement.”
eHarmony is a popular on-line dating service where singles meet based on 29 Key Dimensions of Compatibility which, they claim, is scientifically proven to work.
“She was one Key Dimension of Compatibility away from being a one-night stand.”
“It’s superior love technology,” says Tanner, “within ten years it will be scientifically impossible to meet your future spouse by any other method.”
Love is even more romantic when described in pie-chart form.
Upon hearing that a love connection had been made without his technology, Dr. Neil Clark Warren made an emergency flight back to company headquarters from Nicaragua, where he was vacationing with close friend Dr. James Dobson.
Founder and TV spokesman for eHarmony, Dr. Warren says because of his scientific research, over 90 members of his website get married every day.
Hobbies: Autocracies. Current mood: Jowly.
“People can’t be trusted to select their own mates,” said Warren, “only I, or, ahem, science can.”
“Some say I’m in the ‘capitalizing on people’s fear of dying alone’ business,” said Warren. “Sorry, what was I talking about? I was distracted by this wad of cash I just found in my pocket. Oh look! Another one!”
Warren also said he plans to extract the DNA from a petrified mosquito and create a “dinosaur island,” which he would, in turn, develop into a theme park that would cater to upper-middle-class families looking for an “extreme educational vacation.”
Warren was then given an aspirin and a cup of water, and gently reminded that he is not Dr. John Hammond from the 1993 Steven Spielberg film, Jurassic Park.
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